Made a big step

Today I feel like I’ve made some real progress. I’ve shared the link to this blog with a friend. This is a huge thing for me, as I’ve not shared exactly what happened with anyone apart from my wife.

I hope to discuss with him via mail or face to face through to the week. Although it’s hard for me to discuss in person, as I tend to get emotional about the whole thing.

I think back to watching Billy Conelly on the Parkinson show with his wife, discussing the abuse he suffered from his father as a child. He sat there while she did the talking and I remember thinking how brave he was, and although he had clearly become more at ease with discussing the abuse in public, I could still see the pain in his face and I often thing that if I was to be talked about in a public setting I would try to smile but be in tears on the inside.

I think I have a long way to go, I can say that I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I believe that, but I still feel this overriding sense of guilt and shame.

Guilt

I understand , though have not actually looked into it, that guilt is a common factor amongst victims of abuse, but in my case I don’t know why exactly.

The night of the day I was abused, I told my sister what happened, she could only have been 7 at the oldest. Her first action was to go tell my parents, and although my memory of that night is hazy, I suspect it was more out of spite than sisterly love that she told them.

The guilty feeling didn’t start here, but it deffinitely didn’t help that she was telling my parents something that she thought would get me in trouble. The problem is that I already thought this and wasn’t going to tell them. I believe my motivation for keeping it to myself was because I was afraid to mention the sexual nature of the attack, because sex was hyper-taboo in our family.

When confronted by my parents about the matter, I told them what happened but felt guilty for some reason and was compelled to lie, saying that some girl, whom I believed to be his sister, was also subjected to the same attack.

I don’t know why I said that, I was probably ashamed and wanted to dilute that shame, to spread it around.

It was guilt and embarrasment that kept me silent on the matter for 18 years. I still feel a bit embarrased and am reluctant to discuss the matter with my wife, and there’s no way I could discuss it with my parents, but I don’t know why.

I hate that it still has this vice-like grip over me, and I know I can free myself from it by taking about it and making it public knowledge, but I’m very affraid of what people will think. In fairness, the reason I’ve opted for anonimity here is to protect my friends and family from the deep emotional content I’m creating.

Despite the desire for anonimity, I also have the strong desire to show people what I’m writing, to get a reaction from someone that will finally allow me to confront the matter openly and find out how people really do react to what happened to me. Perhaps I will once I’ve fulfilled my own needs from the blog.

Why is identity a problem

You might ask what being a victim of abuse has to do with identity, or maybe your a victim also having an identity crisis.

The thing that upsets me is that I don’t know what kind of person I would be if The assault hadn’t taken place. Would I get so angry, would I be shy and afraid of other men, would I be funny about nudity? There are so many things that I see as bad attributes of my life that I want to change, and the real problem is that they exist, I know this, but I just wish I could see the alternative unmolested me to see how I would have panned out.

Perhaps I would’ve been the same and that’s fine I can deal with my issues without the anger that stems from the overwhelming anger that my life was dictated by someone other than me.

However, writing this article is achieving it’s purpose, closure and answers. I realise as I explain my feelings, that, throughout our lives, we’re influenced by others, from cradle to grave, be it through love, anger, or any number of other emotions, and me blaming a short fuse or lack of confidence on being sexually abused isn’t entirely fair, I need to say to myself that I am in control of how I feel, confidence is a varied and difficult element to boost at the best of times, and temper is controllable through training and self control.

I now wonder if my need to blame stems from some deep down desire not to be responsible for my flaws, but then I think, am I taking blame away from my abuser in some kind of pseudo stockholm syndrome? The fact is I was molested and it did change me, the reality is though that I have it within me to change, either alone or with the support of others and I think that’s something I have to face up to. I feel robbed, I feel something was taken from me, a piece of innocence, the right to develop naturally, at least then I know I’d have no one to blame. I find it hard to move past what was taken from me that day. I would really love to hear other peoples thoughts on the matter.

Who am I? And why am I writing this

So, who am I, what am I doing at nearly 2 am writing a blog entry in bed? Let me give you my story first of all. When I was around 9, I was sexually assaulted by a relative stranger, a man called Paul, while my father left me to get building materials for a job he was on.

I’m now 27, married with one child and another on the way, and 2 months ago I finally found the courage to tell my wife what happened to me. I’m going to choose to remain anonymous because I want to be as honest as possible without hurting my family.

Ever since the attack, I feel certain aspects of my life changed, specifically the way I interact with other men, the anger I feel and also an overwhelming fear of many situations. I don’t want to go into too much depth now as I’d really like to explore each topic to the fullest to try and extract all the healing and closure I can. I also want to explore whether or not the attack affected my relationship with my father.

What I’m ultimately looking for is closure, but I’d love to know if my thoughts and feelings are unique, or if there are many of you unfortunately feeling the same. Plus I want to know if it’s possible for me to work out the facets of my life created because of the attack.